Learning to Stay by Letting Go

Letting go is not a passive act.

Letting go is an act of refinement.
In Jungian terms, it is an act of sorting the lentils from the ashes.
It is an act of dignity and an act of empowerment.
It can be the first step in really finding out what is true for your Self, what is dead,
and what is worth bringing along into your new world.

For years, being in survival mode and living with CPTSD meant that meant I couldn’t ever really let go. Partly because I couldn’t really connect, commit, or even exist to begin with.

Most of my life had been lived in state of disassociation, mostly floating through experiences, life, relationships, and not having a stabilized internal self that was strong enough to navigate anything externally. The ability to sort and throw out old things psychologically was nonexistent.

Many times, I simply accepted what came in out of desperation: housing, jobs, relationships, connections, and friendships. Whatever was mostly easy enough to stay with, without causing too much drama. Whatever was simple enough to maintain and figure out while I survived. And I stayed and pushed through because it was easier to do that, despite being unhappy. I found myself agreeing and going along because it was too exhausting to fight back or to find a way out.

What I showed on the outside, was not what I lived on the inside. I lived with a ton of resentment, rage, fear, anxiety, and depression. I felt like a caged animal, stuck inside circumstances that I couldn’t leave, yet I also was not committed to in heart or love. A lot of times this caused more isolation because relationships became the easiest thing to avoid. This meant that I couldn’t and wouldn’t commit to anything meaningful, deep, or lasting, either. I did not have the internal space or energy to commit to things I could choose or want because I was so filled up with things I didn’t. Many, if not all, of my experiences were not empowering.

Now as I continue to heal on my CPTSD journey, I see that letting go is a choice and leaving is a choice. They are the first steps in moving toward what I do want to choose and what I do want.

These acts have a bad reputation of somehow being viewed as a more passive actions: a lazy giving in, a cop out, a last-ditch effort to regain control, an inability to stay or commit oneself.

But for someone with CPTSD or disorganized attachment, letting go and leaving could be the first steps in being able to locate self, reality, and inner strength. They are the first steps in being able to grow deeper in relationships they choose and to finally be able to commit what is desired in their hearts.

Sometimes privacy, space, and spending time in the womb is needed to grieve, integrate, let go of, and leave. There is nothing wrong with going through the process of finding what is true to your soul.

In this refinement process, what is true will float to the top.

Not everything stays.
Not everything should stay.
Not everything will come back,
or be salvageable,
or be something
that can be a part of and walk alongside
this new Self.
But it will be a choice
That you know is yours.

And sometimes you learn to connect, commit, and stay– by learning to let go and leave first.